A Bad Day with A Bad Hair Day

Today, is totally shitty.

1. My phone is out of credit.
2. The stupid machine at Asia Cafe ate 3 bucks of mine. And I'm obliged to buy the reload there no matter what. Because my money is in there in the retarded account. And they don't give any change.
   
3. Mac Centre does not wanna sell me just the objective answers for Economics.
4. The Tom Yam stall is closed at AC
5. I am fined 14 bucks by the Library
6. I only have 14 bucks left this month. Went splurging big time yesterday at KLCC
7. My hair is uncontrollable.
8. I am stuck here in college until 11 am when my mom wakes up and decides to pick me up. [Not forgetting the customary wait of at least 30 minutes for her to arrive]

I even tried the desperate measure to get the answers from Othilia only to wake her from her beauty sleep. Thank God she was not an angry bitch picking up the phone.

Life is such a bitch. When will it be better??

I have to start on King Lear and Nun's Priest. Paper 7 too.

And this is when the cliche goes: "So much to do, so little time"

Yesterday was kinda frustrating as well.

Saw this AWESOME fuchsia Nike tennis shoes. It was absolutely beautiful. And there's a 10 % off!!

But they don't have my size. In the entire store, there is not a single shoe from Nike that has my size.

Talk about discrimination against people with unwanted long/big feet.

It's so unfair. My sister is almost the same height with me, slightly shorter, but she's only a size 6. And there's size for her for every gorgeous pair. Too bad she's still in London.

She is so lucky. She gets to go for Chris Tomlin's concert, go for a picnic, go shopping all over the place [There is an awesome sale for Topshop there now.] and go for the UN peace conference.

And I am stuck at home doing MCQs and I do it everywhere I go as well. I do MCQs even while I shop.

It was kinda awkward at the store there where I was buying my shoes. Because this guy from my church [whom I have never talked to but seem to know] is working there. He ignored me, I ignored him. And my dad just has to be the tremendous one to ask him for assistance.

Well, in the end, after walking the entire KLCC, I found 2 pairs of shoes. Almost got a sneakers from Everlast but failed.

I got a raspberry pink Nike shoes and another black Le Coq Sportif shoes. My mom can't stop laughing at my rooster shoes. It was so humiliating when she asked the counter fella if they give free rooster soft toys.

Almost didn't get to buy those shoes as well. The network line for credit card there was really bad. We had to pay cash in Madame Kwan's.

I don't like the new Isetan at KLCC. They don't have MNG there anymore. And the clothes there are not as good as before. And they shifted the shoes section down to the same floor with the ladies' department. The upper floor is strictly for perfumes, lots of handbags and with the exception of DKNY, BCBG Maxazria, LeSportSac and Ralph Lauren.

Oh, and there was a wire fuse in Isetan's top floor. 3 levels was covered with smoke.

Thank God my mom and I managed to drag my dad there. It was the last day of sales for most of the stores. Phew. [Breathes a word of thankfulness.]

I am broke from going to Kinokuniya. Bookshops are the easiest places to splurge I tell you. [For me at least] Sometimes, I just feel like getting a part-time job there and while I'm working there, read every single story book on the rack.

My sis encouraged me because I seem to have a knack for wrapping books. So maybe I can be a salesgirl wrapping books and when there are no customers, I sneak a book to read. If you were to see me there, please pretend that you don't know me. Thank you.

Isn't it funny that when we are in a situation, we seem to think that things are tremendously awful but when we actually sit down, reflect and think/type about it, it seems almost insignificant and trivial.

It's just another mundane human being's rambling about the boring routines of life. [Or at least mine]

Please, please let the nightmare of A Levels end FAST!!! I want my freedom so that I can chill out big time. [Even if it's with my mom.]

Until then, ~Ta~

The Truth

Alright. Let me tell you the truth.

The truth is, once upon a time, I used to speak perfect Mandarin.

But somehow, life has led me to hate the obstinate Chinese traditions.

Hence, I tried erasing all traditional elements in me.

I eventually succeeded. I can't even order chinese tea in mandarin now.

Call me a traitor, someone who forgets one's origins, but you cannot blame me.

Because traditional Chinese ways has led my life into a total mess.

With all the stupid protocols and proceedings. Some of them are absolutely not needed in this modern setting. Like the importance of having a son in the family. Ah, Fuck Off!!

My life is a complete shitty experience.

I hate attending, being there for weddings and funerals, especially from my dad's side because they are totally traditional.

Because there will be a scene, an embedded bad memory and a scar in the soul every time I attend these stupid ceremonies.

I hate looking forward to Chinese auspicious days, I hate following the superstitions and I hate being censured for being different.

And I absolutely hate how some traditional Chinese people behave.

And the one thing that I ultimately hate the most.

My Chinese Name.

If you were to know what I go through with all these stupid traditional chinese ways, you will not blame me for behaving like this and you will join me.

I may be trying to erase my identity. But what I really want is a change, a leap away from the ordinary traditional ways.

Yes, I am very rebellious.

And yes, I am extremely emo lately.

What Happened to the Child

The child stares ahead of the field
Thinking and aspiring to build
Something magnificent on this beautiful and vast land
Building a determined architecture which is hard
To bend.

The child happily hops around the land
With high hopes that everything which is to pend
Will be something tremendous to behold.

Dreaming, the child slips and falls
Sitting, her emotions are in a stall
Realising, that she has been awakened from
Dreaming, Reality hits hard with one swift slap.

The secret lock of her heart breaks
Bursting open a treasure of dark memories
Which has so long haunted her soul
They spew out uncontrollably.

The child opens her mouth
For any sound, anything to come out
But the child remains mute
Staring blankly at her own reflection
At the empty gaping throat
Because all expressions have been transferred
To the invincible bleeding heart.

The child can only recoil
Desperately trying to push all the dark heirlooms back in

In this desperation
The outer adult builds a strong invincible impenetrable wall
With a key in hand,
Locks the child in a new plain box
Along with all the emotional turmoil
And drops the key in hand
Into the vast ocean
Where it can never be found again.

So ancient now and impossible to find
Is that plain box
To fill in the vacuum
In this adult's soul.

For this child was her everything
Her emotions
Her zest for life
Her free happiness
Her determination.

She is left with an empty shell
To carry on with life
Pacing formlessly
On the dark, long and winding road

Useless Lump of Mobile Clay??

I feel so worthless and useless sometimes.

While others are really hardworking and memorising and slaving away with their books, I am taking my own sweet time to read stuff, chill out, watch telly, sleep, bum around and later do last minute cramming.

I am wasting my brains, talents and capabilities. Wasting my time. Wasting all of my effort in the entire 1 1/2 years of college in getting a good foundation of my studies. Wasting my parents' money. Wasting the lecturers' time. Wasting the examiner's time marking. Wasting a spot in Taylors.

So what if I can absorb and understand things really fast?? And be really argumentative and analytical??

I did not study as hard as I should have for the Finals. I did everything last minute.

12 hours of study for Contract
4 hours for Literature Paper 3
14 hours for Tort
8 hours for Economics

Question: Can I make it through this Final Examination??

I know I have so much more capacity to excel. If only I have pumped in more effort and discipline. Had I done it, I would have soared.

Although I answered everything that I wanted, everything that was relevant, and everything that was sufficient for an A; yet it was still not my best although I covered all relevant problem areas.

I know I had the capacity to be able to memorise the entire two Law textbooks if I could have made myself sit and study. And I would be able to pour everything out in the exam hall in a jiffy along with concrete arguments.

I did produce good arguments [according to me]; yet there is this nagging feeling that it was not good enough. It was not perfect enough.

I knew that I would have been able to nail Economics straightaway if I had studied throughout the weekend rather than go shopping. I would not have to rush for the last essay.

The funny thing is. There is this certain calmness, peace and non-weary feeling in me. It is a good thing, but it unnerves me at times.

Am I so numb towards studying and life or is it because I actually did do well for my Finals??

I know that all of my answers are relevant and quite thorough.

But is this enough??

Will I get straight A's and get an offer from NUS??

I cannot predict the future. But I can only place my hope, faith and trust in God that everything will unfold by itself graciously and turn into a blessing.

I hardly studied for UPSR, PMR and SPM. And yet, I excelled.

Dear God, let me excel just this once more. You are my last hope. And I can only place my trust in You.

What happened to the old me who used to be really driven to study?? Who could sit for 3 whole weeks before the examination just to study?? I was a total bitch at that time.

Has becoming a better person in nature dampened my drive to study??

Have I settled down to such complacent comfort that I have come down to this?

I need answers. Am I being a total over-driving perfectionist who is too hard on herself??

Air Pump Please?

So after Contract, I became deflated and actually just threw everything and started playing around.

Consequently, I had to rush reading Little Governess for Paper 3 [Thank Goodness it was Indiscreet Journey that came out]

I had to sleep for only 3 hours when Tort Law was arriving. It was Torturous Law.

But I think I did quite ok despite acute time constraint. I should be able to get at least a Band 4 for my 3rd essay or better still, even higher!!!. I am hoping...

You think my deflation for Tort is bad??

Well, for Economics 4, I practically didn't study during the weekends, bumming around and I went shopping!!!

It was not an option anyway. I had to start shopping for stuff for the hols and I'll have to do it before all the good stuff on sale gets sold off!!

I am contemplating on buying Sketchers' shoes. Any advice or tips on it? Is the shoes comfortable to walk in?? I don't wanna end up throwing the shoes out of frustration when I walk halfway around the globe. Michelle K designs are kinda cool.

And come Econs day, I woke up 8 hours before the exam and started SERIOUS CRAMMING.

For once, I felt some adrenaline pumping and some stress factor.

Well, my last essay was in point form. Only had 10 minutes for that one. I should get at least half the marks right since the lower bands are for serious confusion where they show nuts bout understanding the question and all?? Dearest, CIE, please don't be so mean. Just accept the fact that your data question was totally from another galaxy and we needed more time deciphering what the hell you want from us in the question because it seems to be all over the place!!! Between Macro and Micro!!! Talk about madness!!

And so now, I need an air pump and someone to pump me up for the next 3 papers.

Ooooh, I have the prom tickets by the way. Collect it from me during Literature paper ok?? For people on the 2nd table, I am sorry to say that you will have to wait until Jean makes up her mind and pays up or we get a substitute. Anyone interested [Yes, I am talking to you Ms Christine Tay], feel free to just let me know and you shall expire Jean's contemplation period.

A quick tip of how to go down the staircase really quickly. Like about 7 steps at one go.

Close your eyes and step down by faith.

Why do I have such happy habit of slipping at the staircase. It is like, what, the 5th time?? I was down 7 steps in a twinkle of an eye. More like in the flash of light.

Anyway, I am a happy woman.

I really do hope that we will be taking the Eurorail and going to all over the place where I can go to Madrid, Milan, Salsburg, Prague, Budapest, Munich, Brussels and not go on some crap tour where all I constantly visit are museums and castles. I don't mind backpacking and living on the train for a month. [Dear me, please do not think of this as mission make others envy or mission brag till your face burst.]

I can't wait to fly away.

And after that let time stop.

I don't wanna come back and do the Reading programme actually, to be honest.

I want my gap year!!!

Anyone going to Reading?? Let me know. I am all alone currently.

p/s: If you are wondering how come this night owl is blogging at such an early time in the morning, well, my dad woke me up to be his secretary. He is a lucky man to have a computer genius for a daughter and not some bimbo who don't even know what a computer function is. [No, I'm not talking about Eilene. Eilene is fine now. In fact she's kinda good in computers now!!]

Random Old News

My sis received a Wimbledon T-Shirt as a surprise gift from this dude.

And my mom pronounced the shirt as Bimbodon.

I thought yesterday's Literature Paper 3 was good.

Contract. Well, I only had 10 minutes for my last question.

I cut my hair!!! It's short. Aye aye!!

Yesterday was the last straw. I was waiting for the train when the wind blew and my hair was ALL OVER my face in a second. And it was stuffy and hot!!

What a hassle.

So when my mom called, I told her I'm chopping my hair.

And she gladly drove me there to chop my hair.

I feel so much lighter and brighter now.

Bye bye poofy hair which puffs up like some fried lace ruffles.

I am getting my dress!!! The one that I described, Sammie!!! Yay!!!

It's back to Tort now.

I need to stop sneezing.

Morbid Bird's Thin Tune

I am feeling rather morbid these days.

[I'm sorry, I know that I am not supposed to type any more emo posts in this blog after the other blog was forced to shut down but I just can't help it. Please do not feel offended because there are elements of spirituality here. If you do not want to read it, it's ok.]

I just don't have any drive to study or to do anything but rot with my music and my thoughts.

Call me complacent. But I really do not have any drive to study at all.

My mom's nagging. My dad's putting pressure by asking how I am progressing. My sis chases me away everytime I wanna talk to her.

Somehow, I feel isolated. As if the people that I know only talk to my brains rather than me. [No offense. I am not referring to anyone in particular. And please, don't feel paranoid that you are that person. This is just a random feeling. - and NO, I am not PMS-ing]

I am having this paranoid feeling that when A Levels ends, that's it. I will be alone in this world again apart from my family and my childhood/school friends.

Sometimes, I feel like reaching out to friends who are in need. But the gates are usually shut tight and I just do not know how to open it.

I am being reminded every single sodding day that there is some kind of disaster out there in the world; as if indicating that the world is coming to an end.

In my dream, I saw a smaller mini-me version of me. But that version was small, vicious with a face as pale as snow; cocking me a crooked grin with a slanted head-position. It was truly ugly. It looks like it is demonised.

My mom tells me that I need to get my spiritual life right. The truth is, my spiritual life is rather cold these days. I am no longer that little girl who was so on-fire anymore. Somehow, I don't quite feel God in my life as much as I do when I was younger. Yes, I am aware that without Him, I might probably be dead when the speeding bus once missed me by a foot after I leaped and when the snatch-thief was in action at the lonely alley.

I used to feel Him all around me and see how He make my life a miracle. Everyday was a miracle. I was driven, I was good in what I did. I was on top of the food chain.

I feel all alone now. I strife to get connected to Him once again. But somehow, the more I try, the more I realise how much I have neglected Him. And unfortunately, I do not have time to atone for that now with A Levels breathing down my neck every second of the day. The only time when I feel connected is when I start singing. It felt really great. But I can't do it all day. I have to study.

Dear God, from the bottom of my heart, I know that I am very far away. It feels like the fear of having a wall in between which blocks me from You has become a reality. And just like in the game The Sims 2, that's when my aspiration goes tolling to a red negative number. But I pray that You will be the ever-patient waiting Dad to wait for me to get back. Do not forsake me and pass me by when I am already in this pit of depression. The truth is, I just do not know how to get back. I am far too materialistic and complacent to give up things now. Wait for me while I sort this out?

I am always tired these days. The prom table is quite a hassle. One minute, we have an over flow, solved with an extra table, then we didn't have enough people and the nagging fear of having to pay for the vacant four seats, and now, the table is overflowing with four extra people again. It was forcibly sorted out.

The only great thing which happened to me lately is David Cook and Leona Lewis. Cook's songs and singing really gives hope to me that the music world is not only made up of disastrous songs and wannabe singers. Leona Lewis [I didn't know that she is the winner of X-Factor]; apart from her song Bleeding Love which makes my ears bleed, I love her song Footprints in the Sand. I love her songs. Soulful with awesome vocals. But I can't stand a few of her R&B songs.

I was really paranoid that Cook won't win due to Cowell's comments. I thought he was rather good. But in the end, thank goodness America came to their senses and voted the better performer, Cook rather than the almost-lullaby Archuletta. Archie has an awesome voice, I admit it, but he just does not have that little extra to make his singing appealing and entertaining. His cover for "Imagine" by John Lennon was good; but not as good as Cook's covers for Lionel Richie's "Hello", Roberta Flack's "First Time Ever I Saw Your Face", The Beatles' "Eleanor Rigby". Aerosmith's "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" wasn't bad. Leona Lewis' cover for Roberta Flack's is awesome as well.

My mom has finally consented to let me go for prom and do the Reading Law program with the option of NUS if I still absolutely wanna go. That, has in a way made me slightly more complacent; but do I really wanna do Law for the rest of my life??

I love what I do in Law. I love the analysing, the arguing, and the ecstatic feeling when I have given a good argument.

But at the back of my head nagging is a Degree in Music. My mom and sis has been trying all this while to encourage me to do Music but I declined it. I love Music; but the question is do I really have what it takes to be a good musician?? I definitely do not want to be a pathetic "just another piano teacher" unfortunately. I want something better. Probably be a song composer in the US [my mom will kill me because she'll miss me like crazy] or be an orchestra player. Or probably be involved in mainstream music industry.

But I have one problem. I can express music in my head and in singing but I can't express it outwardly in playing.

And I only got my pitching back lately. Not nearly as perfect as before but better.

I'm just really paranoid now. I should stop thinking.

There's this gathering in my house now anyway. Need to be the gracious host's daughter.

~Ta

Law & Madness

I have not realised how heavy Law is until I reached Remedies in Contract. Not forgetting Mistake.

And Elliott & Quinn's book is seriously irritating me.

Please do take note on mistakes in page 158 under the Unfair Terms in Consumer Contracts Regulations 1999 where it states that this Regulation takes into account of succession, family law and incorporated and organisation of companies.

The Regulation does NOT cover such contracts. [Because neither of them have anything to do with consumers and the Regulation shouts out CONSUMERS.]

The notes in the lecture slides are the ones which is right.

Which means Elliott & Quinn is not exactly accurate for Contract and I find that in Tort Law, they seem to become rather emotional after a while especially when they are arguing about some decision which is rather harsh.

Then again, Elliott & Quinn is just to help a person understand the outlines of the law.

Conversely, it is confusing me.

To my surprise, I find that Tort is much easier to absorb compared to the dead boring Contract which has 101 guidelines and exceptions and not forgetting, contrasting precedents which needs to be distinguished.

And arguing for A2 is so not easy. It is not like English Legal Systems where you partially vomit and then you justify whether the current law is just or not.

Can I be a dropout??

I'm considering it.

The Ebrary on the other hand is very unfriendly.

I can only print one document and after that all succeeding documents will be lagging until all of your skin sag with anger and they will finally give you a very cheerful pop out which says:

"Sorry. The Document is unable to load."

Urgh.

SO much to read, so little time.

I should have taken Christine Yap's combination of subjects but I'll do Maths, Literature and Law.

Then I don't have to worry so much about having to read Economics and I don't have to lay eyes on that despicable subject ever again.

I am tired, fatigued and stressed out.

Freak out sometimes during the night when there is an overdose of adrenaline and hence, I'll be up until the wee hours of the morning.

And that's when my beautiful eyebags will come out.

Such sandbags to carry.

I am so stressed out that I do not know the time.

And I am denied of having to celebrate with beer. I had orange juice instead.

You see?? Examinations suck the life out of you.

I am HUNGRY!!!

On a food binge due to depression and after that, I'll be even more depressed and go into starvation.

I need $$$ too.

I'm sorry but this is a post of Randomity with a lot of random thoughts and peeves.

Speaking about Rotting

Well, it takes about 3 days for a body to decompose. And I will say that is pretty fast.

But not as fast as some computers in college.

Well, I'll say that the Taylor's computer in the computer room in the library can practically give you time to grow a beard [whether you are male or female] and probably turn your entire head white just like Lear in Akiro Kurosawa's version in Ran.

Not forgetting that the room turns into a sauna after a while.

Gosh, this computer is so peevish.

I'm trying to look for the call number for past year papers but I can't seem to do anything because this computer works at the speed of grass growing in the desert.

p/s: I thought Akiro Kurosawa's version of Ran was rather awesome.

I was really heartbroken when Saburo died. It's so quick, serene and almost divine.

Speaking about bimboism, I think I'm catching the fever from Cindy and my sister is rubbing off on me.

Not forgetting my mom.

My mom was the sweetest mom yesterday. She was so so nice.

Because I reminded her that it was Mother's Day.

She was totally blur when I wished her and gave her a hug in the morning.

This short little "break" from studying contract is doing me some good afterall.

At least I am concentrating more than when I was staring at the sodding "Innominate Terms" and Hong Kong Fir Shipping Co Ltd v Kawasaki Ltd.

Swiche joye and blis is sturdyinge.

Library Makeshift

I find that I can only study in the library.

And so, turn my room into the library atmosphere I did.

I personalised the cow's working space into my own one.

The only difference with the library is that:

1. I have bleeding bright yellow lights instead of white ones.
2. My room doesn't smell like the library
3. I can control the temperature of my room
4. The bed is 5 feet away
5. My chair is more comfortable and it's yellow in colour as well. >.< [yes, my room is bleeding bright thanks to my mom and sis]
6. I don't have a cute lil pet of a cockroach running about and even visiting me on the table top.

Yup. I have evidence of the cockroach in the library. [I'll upload it later.]

You know what? I have a bleeding hatred for Leona Lewis's Bleeding Love.

Gosh, that song is seriously overrated.

I am currently totally in love with Paramore.

Swung back to rock from ballads again.

I really want the exams to end really soon.

But I need to study before it ends.

p/s: I don't think I am going to the prom.
And, you can download BBC's King Lear Audio from Ares. I'm downloading the movie too!!

I love P2P file sharing.