A Tale of Unrepentant-ness

I am unrepentant for what I am.
For what I write and what I do.
I am unrepentant
When I know that I have done my best.

Valentine's Day for me is about a day spent to appreciate yourself.

Because if you don't, no one will.

You will have to first love yourself in order to know how to love your neighbours.

Well, you don't have to love ALL your neighbours, but you don't have to live in animosity.

Did I tell you that I spent V Day trying to contain an unrepentant tornado in my stomach? And that I spent the whole day sleeping alone at home while the parents drive the sister to work? [and, they went shopping too. Without me!!!]

Not to forget I only ate plain porridge [as in water and rice and nothing else] for the whole day.

The fever eventually went down but the splitting headache is this irritating leech which just won't stop torturing me.

It is not funny when you have to wake up early the next day for an appointment at 10 am but it takes about an hour to reach that destination. And with the need to have breakfast first, you basically have to get up at 8 am.

In my world, morning means 11 am. Because sleeping time for me is 3 am [No, I do not go clubbing in case you are filling in the blanks with the wrong activities. I study. Besides that, I will have to feed my parents with two large sleeping pills before I can actually slip out to club. Which is not quite happening in a million light years. Because the mother is a light sleeper and the dah-dee is just too difficult to fool.]

By the time I got home, it was late evening.

We had to host this hospitality thingy where we meet up with people who come back from overseas and what-nots.

It was quite nice since I get to regroup with my childhood friends.

The sister said that there was this lady in stunning red dress who was staring at me with a quiver full of hatred in her eyes because her husband was checking the both of us out and I really dressed up for the occassion.

I don't live to please the world.

And I'm unrepentant on that.

These two weeks has just been crazily stressful. I usually don't have a habit of shaking my leg but I do it quite frequently now to ease off the stress.

I don't wanna talk about today.

So I shall just stop talking here because my eyes are about to pop out. Only slept at 3.30 am while preparing for tutorials.

I thought 4 subjects are quite manageable, I am wrong.

There is just so much to do.

Domesticated Goddess who is Not Very Happy

Ok, so for the past 3 days I have been a Cinderella in my own home.

It is not fun I tell you.

Because you do not have a kind-hearted and obliging Cinderella with big dreams, but one Bad-Tempered Debble, The Cinderella; whose temper is practically covered with smoldering cinders.

And Dad, No house is EVER manageable WITHOUT the need of a maid.

My entire 3 days is practically spent in the kitchen, starting the stupid stove which just won't start every now and then, chopping, washing, rinsing, and more washing every day.

Hence, I have boiled 2 pots [and I really mean HUGE POTS] of barley which can last us for... a week?? There are only the 3 of us at home. But no, we have to finish a pot in 2 days.

And I have to rinse, boil, heat, re-heat and put it in some place where the despicably irritating ants cannot reach even if they can swim.

So, I learnt how to boil barley. Which is a good thing but not if you have to do it EVERYDAY. And when you are practically demanded and ordered around like a waitress [and I am unpaid] fetching cups and bowls of barley up and down the house every now and then.

And, I had to cook dinner for 2 days. Cooking isn't bad. But it is the chopping and the cracking of the head on what to cook and the preparation that gets your blood boiling that the vegetables can cook in your hands.

My estimation is kinda bad. My dad said that my serving is American serving; which means a bowl for two. Well, Dad, at least you don't have to start grumbling about how the hawker people cut-short customers in their ingredients.

Mine can fill your stomach's content until it S-T-R-E-T-C-H-E-S.

I decided to cook spaghetti on day 1 only to find that both freezers do not have a single drop of spaghetti sauce left. I am left with a 3/4 bottle of Maggi tomato sauce and a 1/3 bottle of Maggi chili sauce. The tom yam paste is as good as finished. Not forgetting that we have ran out of cheese.

And I cracked my own spaghetti sauce out of two Maggi bottles, with lotsa button mushrooms [normal mushrooms have ran out as well], onions, garlics, ginger,some carrot and celery. Oh, and beef too. Nope, there was no green pepper, olive oil, thymes or basil. So, the sauce is not very fragrant unfortunately. Nope, the garlic smell didn't overrule the sauce smell either.

I will say that the sauce is a little too tomato-ey for my liking. But the tomato-loving Dad loved the spaghetti. I think it's probably the awesome spaghetti that I am pro in cooking. Yes, when we cook, my sis cooks the sauce when there is the ready-made spaghetti sauce and I cook the spaghetti [I mean the noodles].

And... ehheh... I managed to make the sauce taste almost like the spaghetti sauce and not like the ketchup bottle sauce. Thanks to the two spoons of kicap [from marinating the beef] and the HUGE pinch of salt that I added.

Oh, and mind I tell you that cincang-ing the beef meat is not at all easy?? I tell you, sometimes, I just feel like picking that slab of meet and smashing it against the window. Oh, and we do not have any butcher's knife. The big one?? Uh uh.

My parents say that we do not have a use for it.

Well, I do now. To chop up that bloody slab of meat!!!

And if I don't cincang that slab of leather, we'll be tearing our poor teeth out of our gums in trying to chew that piece of leather. That cow of a butcher cheated my mom.

Oh, by the way, I had to cincang beef for two days. Because on the 2nd day of cooking adventure, no, the refrigerator was NOT restocked. All I had was a drawer FULL of vegetables and 2 more slabs of beef.

So, the 2nd day, I decided to cook beef noodle. Ok, it ended up as beef noodles. I wanted to just cook the Korean Ramee with lotsa ingredients but it ended up tasting as beef noodles.

Heheh. Because I followed my stomach.

Debble LOVES carrot soup with onions.

And so, Debble cried furiously while chopping the onions and got bored chopping the endless amounts of carrots. Not forgetting the impossible skinning of the ginger.

And I boiled those 3 things!!! Boiled and boiled and boiled until the cute little pot gave two hoots of steam shooting out of its "nostrils" while Debble's own nostrils were flaring while chopping up the remaining vegetables and beef.

And I dumped everything in after that. The Ramen, its ingredients and whatever vegetables I managed to chop up. And voila!! Beef noodles!!! [Me LOVED the soup!!!]

Yes, I am quite pleased with the beef noodles.

Thank God my aunt came to the rescue today by bringing a HUGE pot of fish porridge [which I ended up stomaching most of its contents]. Hence, I am ALLERGIC to fish porridge now. Just finished the last bowl while I am typing this post.

I tell you, my mom is NOT an easy patient at all. Dad was easier. Because all he had to do is gurgle his mouth with salt water and stuff two rolled-up tissues up his nostrils.

Mom on the other hand is complaining of her temperature, the headache, the nausea and the lack of energy to walk.

Haiyorr... gave her all the remedies from the experience that I had not so long ago but she just wouldn't take it. She didn't eat for the whole day during the 1st day and almost nothing as well during the next day. She only drank, ate and vomited barley.

Thank goodness she has stopped vomiting or I'll hang up all cooking utensils and go on a strike.

To all patients out there, you should be VERY THANKFUL that my ambition is not to be a nurse.

Because, I will not only be a spanking nurse, but an ill-tempered spanking nurse who will make dirty old men cry and be forever faithful to their wives while paedophiles will instantly get rehabilitation and beg for mercy. Probably get religious too.

Oh, not missing out the sweeping, the mopping and the laundry to be done.

I practically didn't sit at all for the entire day except when I go to the loo or whatever short time I had for meals.

Yup, what a lucrative way of spending my time after being free from A Levels.

p/s: The above drama has been dramatised with a slab of anger just for laughs. Nope, I wasn't angry but I was only glad to help and that I am not sick as well so that I can take care of my parents. Aww, sweet, but I really have to because we're flying off next Wednesday. Ok, not only because of that but because I love my mommy a lot!!! Well, my mom was really thankful and kept on chanting the phrase "Thank God I gave birth to daughters instead of sons".

Ok, the picture of the 2 meals that I managed to set up.



The Spaghetti

















The Beef Noodles

Seriously, Cut The Crap

I seriously can't stand the crap of:

1. Oh no, you must do this. Because you must be a good person.
2. Oh no, you must behave this way. You are so and so.
3. Oh no, you must not think this way. You must think like a saint.
4. Oh no, you must not say this kind of things. You must think about humanity.

Seriously, cut the crap of trying to be holier-than-thou.

If you are so judgemental, if you have such an idealistic mindset, well, keep it to yourself and remember that you will be judged as well.

Take Obambi for instance. He is totally hilarious.

Say something bad about Obambi, and you're discriminating and talking bad about his entire community. Do something against Obambi, and you are doing it towards his people.

Ah, seriously, why don't you just make Obambi your God??

Obambi is Obambi. You are you. Literature, does not apply in this area where if you kill one, you kill all. Sorry, there is no allegory in Obambi to represent the entire community.

You know what?

Quote: "If Democrats have brains, they will be Republicans."

I kinda agree with it.

All those endless ramblings about gay rights, abortion rights and sodomy rights. You wanna talk about humanity? Let's talk about humanity. Do you think it's humane to do all these anomaly against nature?? And you think that it is inhumane not to legally recognise these people?? Talk about irony. It is almost saying "Fair is foul and foul is fair". So at the end of the day, what is fair and foul?? Does humanity exist?

I don't quite think so.

Let's talk about something more down to earth.

Oh, I don't like her because she should be behaving this way and not that. Oh, what a shame, she does not live up to her name. Or, I don't like her because she doesn't like me clinging to her. I will move on because I don't need her anymore. I found someone better who will amuse me very much more than the boring her.

Isn't it typical of humankind?? To be so utterly judgemental and self-centered?

Well, to tell you the truth, I will rather shed these people from my life than have them in. Because they suck the life out of me.

I do not want to be a people pleaser. And neither am I obliged to be one.

Worse come to worse, I will just do what I did when I finished Form 5. Shed the skin, and start a new leaf. I don't need to carry on with old skin.

I don't care if you don't talk to me anymore. Because, I am quite sick of this judgemental community who censures everyone but themselves.

You make use of me because I was still of value, and when I am no longer of value and you have found someone else to replace me, you drop me like a hot bun.

Fine. Let me just say that if you drop me once, you drop me for good. No wonder you are in so much of emotional turmoil. Because it is impossible to please you. Because you never once bothered about how others feel.

Go ahead and chase the wind. I am just gonna stand by and watch.

I can only pray I will get an A for Literature. Apparently, Ms Anne said that Paper 5 will be even tougher since Paper 7 is considered as very approachable compared to previous years.

I am seriously sick of this world. Finding someone/something different from this world is rare. Because most people are so stereotype.

The Truth

Alright. Let me tell you the truth.

The truth is, once upon a time, I used to speak perfect Mandarin.

But somehow, life has led me to hate the obstinate Chinese traditions.

Hence, I tried erasing all traditional elements in me.

I eventually succeeded. I can't even order chinese tea in mandarin now.

Call me a traitor, someone who forgets one's origins, but you cannot blame me.

Because traditional Chinese ways has led my life into a total mess.

With all the stupid protocols and proceedings. Some of them are absolutely not needed in this modern setting. Like the importance of having a son in the family. Ah, Fuck Off!!

My life is a complete shitty experience.

I hate attending, being there for weddings and funerals, especially from my dad's side because they are totally traditional.

Because there will be a scene, an embedded bad memory and a scar in the soul every time I attend these stupid ceremonies.

I hate looking forward to Chinese auspicious days, I hate following the superstitions and I hate being censured for being different.

And I absolutely hate how some traditional Chinese people behave.

And the one thing that I ultimately hate the most.

My Chinese Name.

If you were to know what I go through with all these stupid traditional chinese ways, you will not blame me for behaving like this and you will join me.

I may be trying to erase my identity. But what I really want is a change, a leap away from the ordinary traditional ways.

Yes, I am very rebellious.

And yes, I am extremely emo lately.

Frying Brains

In this world, there has been a history of

1. Cannibalism
2. People having the urge to copulate with animals
3. Pregnant Transsexuals
4. The ugliest of brides [Elton John]
5. Weirdest and creepiest beings [Alaistair and Marilyn Manson]

What about the history of human beings frying brains??

I am serious.

Studying sometimes is like the act of frying your own brains.

Sometimes, it feels like your brains are being fried literally.

We study so hard and yet, the world expects more of us.

And I wonder. What's so fun about frying brains??

How much of brains can you fry??

Students are forced to study because without a Degree, they cannot get a decent job. Without a decent job, they can't get a decent pay. Without moolahs and kahchings, one cannot live properly.

If everyone in the society don't have moolahs and kahchings, it will become a dysfunctional social system.

And hence, education is emphasised on and most students take studying as a chore rather than having an interest to learn something. With force, gone are the feelings of being ecstatic for grasping something, knowing something.

And when the examination period nears, they are forced to memorise even more for the sake of passing a sodding academic examination.

And the pitiful students memorise so much that they get so nauseated and pissed-off with studying, enthusiasm of the subject to enable them to argue passionately gets flushed down the despicable public toilet. They end up regurgitating.

Regurgitation is a sign of lack of enthusiasm in a student.

Students are forced to retain the information. Since they have no passion for it, there is no crime with vomitting everything out since there is no passion enough to retain it.

Has the world distorted the meaning of education??

Is education the only answer to a successful person in life??

It is all so academical that sometimes, I suspect that some people just forget how to live.

This world seriously need to have some quiet time to sit down and reflect on what the world has become today.

Are we pushing ourselves to the limits and punishing ourselves in the process??

Is it healthy to emphasise so much on education?

Will books teach you how to be street-smart??

A successful businessman does not have to hold a Ph.D in Business to be successful. He just have to be smart in business intuitions to be able to survive in the World of Business.

So what is all the buzz about getting a Degree?? What's the point of having a degree but not being able to really live in the real world out there??

What's the point of having highly academical people who are empty inside?? Dreading their job and their very lives??

The generation should have a right to choose what they want to study. Not for a sodding decent job, but for the sake of passion.

Oh, right, I forgot. Without a proper Degree, no flipping employer is going to hire you.

p/s: the reason for this bellowing is caused by the fact that a lot of people failed Law.

Those who did Question 3 for Contract and Tort generally did badly.

Most of the people failed due to regurgitation.

Sam's work is said to have deteriorated.

Dom's essay shows that there is an understanding and an attempt to argue but lacks substance due to lack of cases and blah-dee-dahhs to back it up.

What is wrong with the world??

Why can't the world exist without examinations??

Why can't we be allowed to learn at our pace, learn anything we want and be contented without the pressure of examinations??

Say, TAK NAK to examinations.

Judgements [Please read until the end or do not read at all]

Alright. Let us just see from a general perspective about men.

Disclaimer: This post is not meant to insult or censure anyone but it is just an observation. Take it or leave it.

Sometimes, their ego can be equated to a piece of paper.

If Men's Ego = Paper, then:
1. If you keep it too well and comfortable, it becomes yellow and spotted.
2. Keep it too crisp and it will give you paper cut. Thin, fine, unnoticeable and PAINFUL.
3. If it is too crumpled, then things are gonna look ugly
4. If you spill something on it, it gets tainted forever.
5. If you tear it, you can never piece it back to its original form.

In fact, almost everyone's ego is like a piece of paper. Fragile. It's just the degree of fragility

However, I read something which really threw me into another light of perception of men.

If you think Bequests of Love in the SPM Literature syllabus is sweet, I tell you, it is a work of piracy and it is overly-done with too much of emoness. And I tell you, the effect that the prose I read is a light year better than Bequests of Love. The emotional effect was apt and totally not overly done.

The prose is written by Alice Elliot Dark in 1993; entitled 'In The Gloaming'

The story is about a mother whose son is having an illness.

He has to sit in a wheelchair with blankets wrapping up his frail frame and near the end of his life, he could hardly hold a polystyrene cup with a straw in it properly.

His father was always detached. He was a workaholic. He ran away when he was needed to support his wife emotionally. He ignored his son. He never came back for dinner. He was not there at his son's last moments on this earth.

He hardly talked to his son. He knew his son was dying.

But when his son finally died, he said one sentence which blew me away.

"Tell me what else did our son like."

He even cried.

The father was not detached. He was not cold.

He simply did not know how to react and accommodate to the situation.

But deep down, he still loved his son very much. He just did not know what to do.

He could not bear to sit on the dining table and watch his son's life slowly robbed away from him.

He did not know how to control his emotions and he suppresses them by being indulged in work.

Men are such complex beings.

Men are practical and they provide physical security.

Women are emotional and provide emotional security.

That is the reason why men and women exist together. To complete each other. And they need to be different to complete each other.

Don't you dare discriminate against any one of them.

And that is why homosexuality is not really acceptable in this world by certain people because unless the relationship of that couple can fulfil what a normal man and woman can; only can homosexuality work out well.

And let me declare this.

NO, I DO NOT discriminate or condemn people for their background.

I respect their background. I may mumble some disapprovals, but it does not mean that I look down upon a person, I am biased against that particular feature or will I ever think that the person is not fit/good enough for good things.

I am not some freaking discriminating, scrutinising Aunt of the Society to do so.

In fact, I accept people for who they are. I try to learn their ways and I try to adopt. Even if I were to start off on the wrong footing or say things which may hurt. I do not mean harm.

I like to analyse how and why people behave the way that they do.

I am sick and tired of people thinking that I am some stuck-up, high-handed bitch who thinks a hell of herself and no one else is good enough for her.

I may be shy and I do not approach guys first if I only just got to know him. I may warm up a little more to a girl.

Other than that, I am just another earthling trying to understand and live this Life by communicating and building good relationships with people.

I try my best. But it does not mean that I will be a suck-up to be trampled upon over and over again.

I am not a feminist in any way and I do not discriminate against men.

I try to be neutral.

A Momentarary Lapse

After a moment of reflection, I came up with this.

I think I am suffering from a trio-personality.

Nope. I'm not a hypocrite.

I just seem to behave differently without me realising it.

I'm either
1) super nerdy and serious;
2) super perky and bimbotic or
3) just plain detached, bong, quiet and very lowly self-esteemed.

I cannot recall what I did or said during the moot until now. It's all in a haze.

I cannot seem to fathom how I can be just so crazy sometimes.

And I don't know how I can just laugh out of the blue.

I don't know how I can be so assertive sometimes to the extent of being totally exasperating.

I have been detached at one time.

And I do not know my reason for being detached anymore.

To all those people that I have neglected, have not supported them emotionally when they needed me.

To all those that I've been a totally condescending bitch with.

To all those people whom I have ignored.

To all those people whose feelings I have hurt.

I am sorry.

I tried to be careful and tactful but things always get its way and I become the person that I do not want to be.

I don't blame you if you don't talk to me anymore.

I'm putting the past behind and moving forward whether you are talking to me or not.

Yeah, call me delusional. This is exactly what I'll do.

No point hovering about like a pathetic lost soul desperate for friendship.

I am going to be me.

L.I.F.E.

I would like to thank Ms Othilia Hee for:

1. Pigging out on Maggie Cup Noodle with me today
2. For telling me her definition of life.

I think, she is so right

Life stands for:

L = Lame
I = Intoxicating/Irritating/Inconsiderate
F = Fad/Feckless
E = Excruciating/Exasperating

[I'm sorry, but I can't quite remembered what she said... so this is sort of like my version in her definition)

And people say that I don't have a life. Well, should I say thanks for the compliments?? Because if I don't have one it just shows that I am not pathetically searching for some lame amusement and fun in life. In some ways. I'm not saying that having fun is bad. It's how desperate you need it.

And so, this post is the mark of the change of something.

Question: What do you do if a friend who bought a packet of tabs and left it on the table??

Ok, a little further information:
The tab was bought to tab the bundles but it didn't work out due to acute lack of time.

Do you:
(a) Leave it there for your friend to pick it up
(b) Remind your friend about the tab
(c) Take it home and use it.

And someone had the cheek to accomplish (c) and when I asked her for it, she just passed me the used tabs.

Such great integrity.

By the way, did you know that there was a bomb scare in INTI College yesterday??

It's so pathetic... why not in our college??

Then we get to skip college.

I seriously can't wait for college to finish.

I am so absolutely busy.

And my credit runs low like water dripping out of a sieve.

Ah, whatever.

This is life.

College

Yea, so college has restarted. Again.

I really dread college.

College restarting =

1. More work
2. No life
3. Clothes woe
4. Poor lil tortured feet
5. A lot of pressure
6. A lot of work
7. Reminds me that I need to start studying
8. The moot is getting closer.

Yesterday, I decided to eat the VIETNAMESE SPECIAL BEEF NOODLE

It costs RM 8.90.

And I thought, hey, why not give it a try?? If it costs so much it should taste good.

And indeed the picture looks good.

Think three times the next time you judge a book by its cover.

The beef noodle was the WORST that I have eaten.

The kueh teow tastes like chewable plastic.

The beef ball tastes like cheap market fish balls which is made of crap stuff which is cheap fish with a lot of flour.

The beef meat tastes like pork cooked with tenderiser.

Only the cow's stomach tastes good.

And the amount of onions and bean sprouts that they give, it is like Bombay is giving away a lot of free onions and bean sprouts materialise magically out of thin air.

And the funny thing is, at 2 pm after that, I was hungry again. And I mean really hungry.

I ate chicken porridge. It is cheap and it tastes totally awesome.

I am on a mission here.

A mission to bring someone down because the person thinks too highly of oneself.

I'm sorry, but your ego has given me the enthusiasm to work really hard and put in a lot of effort into the moot.

Oh, and the someone who blew the first moot meeting actually told someone else that she is mooting.

I'm sorry sister, you are NOT.

Unless you can prove yourself worthy to be a mootee and that you know your Contract Law inside out. Then yea, I will let you in.

I really need all the help that I can get.

I know it is impossible to look for cases with such limited resources. And to start with, it's difficult to know how to start to search for a case.

I just need you to help me ponder over the point of law and I will search for the case.

Thank you very much.

I shall have to get back to work now.

p/s: I have to submit in my points and all the cases by this Friday. Yes, it is squeezing me but I shall prevail.

I SHALL TRIUMPH

Shopping in Sunway Pyramid and An Issue of Sensitivity

Shopping in Sunway Pyramid seriously requires a wheelchair.

My foot is so swollen now, I can practically cry.

The place hardly has anything to buy actually.

Forever 21 is still not opened after what seems like forever.

Oooh. Aldo shoes are AWESOME!!!

I love every single pair of shoes there!!!

But unfortunately, the prices there are really pretty too.

If you are willing to pay about 300 MYR for a pair of shoes, go right ahead in. The shoes are gorgeous. Their accessories too.

I learnt two things during this shopping spree. If I can call it a spree. It is:

1. Never go shopping when you are in a bad mood. Nothing that you see is nice. [That's what happened to me.]

2. It does not matter what you wear when you go shopping. As long as you are comfortable, you won't have to care what are people's perspective of you.

The 2nd one is courtesy of my mom who nagged at me.

Apparently, my mom said that I'm a bimbo. o.O?? Am I??

I only bought 2 pairs of shoes.

My mom got 2 pairs of shoes and a top. [Do you feel the inequity here??]

Anyway, it's not like anyone can be blamed except for my physique.

The clothes that I tried on failed because of my:

1. Broad shoulders
2. Waistline which is full of ghee
3. Porky legs.

My mom told me that I have to slim down to my past glory - until I can fit into this straight-fit jeans that I used to be able to wear.

That jeans is a 25 waist-line, and I am currently a 28.

What does this mean??

I shall have to be 2D.

p/s: I got sick of Joss Stone's I've Got A Right To Be Wrong because of hearing it too many times on this blog.

________________________________________________________

I now know what pisses me off the most.

Being overly sensitive.

I tolerate sensitivity. But with limits. I have a short fuse for it.

Yea, I can make it up to you for a few times, but if you continue going on like that, I don't know what to do/react anymore.

Yes, every earthling has a right of opinions and principles and perceptions.

But it does not mean that you will have to take offence if someone unknowingly rubs you the wrong way by going against/questioning your opinions/principles/perceptions.

It is a question/a statement of enquiring about why you feel that way.

Not to tell you that you are wrong/obtuse/weird.

I accept that everyone has preferences and all. But sometimes, I'm just curious why they have that kind of perception. I like being neutral. Hence, I take whatever you say/how you behave as you are. Even when you spew a whole line of vulgar language at me I'll still accept it.

But just don't be overly-sensitive when I ask something.

Over-sensitivity shows because the person who is overly-sensitive tries to be very happy around other people when they are in fact not.

If you continue to do so, it's fine with me.

I lived for 6 years being ignored in elementary school.

You can say that I am a very numb person.

The amount of emotional turmoil that I go through throughout my life has made me very capable of ignoring my feelings.

Disclaimer: I do not intend to imply this post to anyone reading this blog or hint anything. It's just a let out from me due to some events lately.