A Tale of Unrepentant-ness

I am unrepentant for what I am.
For what I write and what I do.
I am unrepentant
When I know that I have done my best.

Valentine's Day for me is about a day spent to appreciate yourself.

Because if you don't, no one will.

You will have to first love yourself in order to know how to love your neighbours.

Well, you don't have to love ALL your neighbours, but you don't have to live in animosity.

Did I tell you that I spent V Day trying to contain an unrepentant tornado in my stomach? And that I spent the whole day sleeping alone at home while the parents drive the sister to work? [and, they went shopping too. Without me!!!]

Not to forget I only ate plain porridge [as in water and rice and nothing else] for the whole day.

The fever eventually went down but the splitting headache is this irritating leech which just won't stop torturing me.

It is not funny when you have to wake up early the next day for an appointment at 10 am but it takes about an hour to reach that destination. And with the need to have breakfast first, you basically have to get up at 8 am.

In my world, morning means 11 am. Because sleeping time for me is 3 am [No, I do not go clubbing in case you are filling in the blanks with the wrong activities. I study. Besides that, I will have to feed my parents with two large sleeping pills before I can actually slip out to club. Which is not quite happening in a million light years. Because the mother is a light sleeper and the dah-dee is just too difficult to fool.]

By the time I got home, it was late evening.

We had to host this hospitality thingy where we meet up with people who come back from overseas and what-nots.

It was quite nice since I get to regroup with my childhood friends.

The sister said that there was this lady in stunning red dress who was staring at me with a quiver full of hatred in her eyes because her husband was checking the both of us out and I really dressed up for the occassion.

I don't live to please the world.

And I'm unrepentant on that.

These two weeks has just been crazily stressful. I usually don't have a habit of shaking my leg but I do it quite frequently now to ease off the stress.

I don't wanna talk about today.

So I shall just stop talking here because my eyes are about to pop out. Only slept at 3.30 am while preparing for tutorials.

I thought 4 subjects are quite manageable, I am wrong.

There is just so much to do.

The 4 am SMS

Packing seriously zaps the energy out of me.

Pack, stash, squash, squeeze, stuff, push, zip, weigh, unpack, pack.......

The process goes on and on and on.

We have too many things which hardly weighs.

For instance, my sister's stupid request for melamine bowls and spoons which were not needed at all and the request for formal clothings which were not worn at all due to the cold weather.

It takes up a lot of space!!

And my sister bought countless amount of cosmetics over here over the period of time which she is here.

I have a 3kg pouch of make-ups which are hardly used but purchased by the cow out of fancy. And not to mention 7 zip-bags of moisturisers and creams and toners and cleansers.

So many things, so little space.

The best part is we're only allowed 20 kgs each. Which is madness because the luggage itself weighs 5-7 kgs. The clothes alone will take up all of the weight and more!!!

How am I going to pack to Reading in 2 years' time?? I'll probably have to ship everything over in advance. =S

Both luggages are overweight. The Large one is 26 kgs (After 100 times of packing and repacking. It was initially 30 kgs) and the other smaller one is 22 kgs. I finished packing the main luggages and we have 6 handcarries. One handcarry itself easily weighs 10kgs. Oh, and we're only allowed 5 kgs for handcarry. We have no choice.

I woke up randomly at 4.14 am. I knew because right after I woke up the little revolutionist text me. And asked me about blogs....

And around 4.45 am, I heard someone talking.

Do you know what is the time??

Something muttered in a slur

Don't do this. Don't do this to yourself. Why are you doing this?

[slurred] After what happened the other day, I lost motivation.

Then motivate yourself!!

You have a beautiful son at home. Why are you doing this?

mutter mutter mutter

When I met you you're a beautiful person and you ARE still a beautiful person. You were always there when I needed you to help.

mutter mutter mutter Let's not discuss this anymore. Walks away.

I think it's the most  calm argument I've ever heard of. It was as if she was a counsellor/shrink. Shrinking her husband. Oh well, his coat and pants looks rather shrunkened.

All I have to say is, hang in there, lady, and he'll probably turn around. Just don't lose your control.

I'm back to packing. One more last effing bagpack to pack!!! And a mountain of clothes to fit in. >.<""

Wish me luck!!!

NO, no, PRAY for me that they'll let me through and not charge me a single penny.

Thank you.

Ethereal Realistic Slap On The Face

I feel so stupid.

I was brooding and was really depressed with the fact that I probably might not be able to go to NUS because the fees are really expensive especially if you are an international student.

Only to find out that I calculated wrongly.

Stupid right??

All the emotions drained and wasted for naught.

And all the gorging to compensate for the depression for nothing.

Urgh.

And my mom later told me that if... IF I prove myself worthy to do Law, then she will come out with all the money that I need.

Hah. Thanks for telling me only AFTER my depressed state.

But I feel relieved now.

But I still do not have any mood to study.

And trials is just next week.

Yeah, a lot of you people will not believe that Debble is not studying.

Truth: Debble is not studying.

You might think that Debble is trying to cover up so as not to look so nerdy and hardworking or possibly try to act smart by scoring well and not studying...

YOU ARE WRONG.

I really am very unproductive.

And I'm finding the part of me which is overly hardworking and focused still.

What happened to that fella larr??

Went into hibernation and cannot be found??

WAKE UP!!! WAKE UP HARDWORKING DEBBLE!!!

p/s: I still want my sister's very wide range of vocabulary and her "elegant" style of writing. [minus the long-windedness of course]

You know what??

She scolded me for not reading the encyclopaedia when I was younger. She's a little bit of a psycho there.

Btw, if one does chambering in Singapore, one will get about RM4k instead of RM1.5-1.8k over here.

Ah... Debble, YOU NEED A HUGE SLAP ON YOUR FACE TO WAKE UP AND START STUDYING AND BE REALISTIC

Stop surfing the net for dream universities and study for now.

[and stop surfing for the latest up-coming movies. Btw, Daniel Henney will be acting in X-Men Origins : Wolverin] Something like that.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR INDIANA JONES!!!!! [Shia LaBeouf, HOTNESS!!]

Driving Lesson #3

Alright now. A quick summary of my first two driving lessons since I am too lazy to give the full report.

1. I keep on changing instructors.

2. All the instructors complain that I drive too fast.

3. All the instructors complain that I lift the clutch and change the gear too fast. [As a result, my car lurches at time and it gives them high-blood pressure right up to their temples.]

4. Other than that I'm quite a good driver.

5. The 2nd driving instructor actually taught me in Mandarin. Oh, the bliss. I could only understand half of what he was saying.

As for today, it was another story.

It was a "great start" with the phone ringing off in the middle of Economics with Mrs. Grace posing her peeved pose with a long face.

The irritating instructor called me. And I had to force my brains to interprete what he was babbling on the phone.

He was at the KTM station, ready to pick me up.

He was supposed to be there only at 3pm. Told him to pick me up at 3 pm again.

And so, I rushed all the way to the train station. Yes, Miss Othilia, now you know how fast I walk?? You're not even half as fast as me!!! [tee hee] Yes, you should wish that I wear skirts and inconvenient footwear more often or I'll usually walk really fast. More like stride.

The next shocking truth?? This new driving instructor does not understand A WORD OF ENGLISH, I cannot understand A WORD OF WHAT HE SAYS IN MANDARIN [because his mandarin intonation and slang are just too hard to decipher and the words that he uses are really deep].

We resoluted to speaking Hokkien.

And I don't quite understand his Hokkien because his Hokkien is also very deep. And he speaks too fast for my brains to interprete the words.

The lesson was the perfect epitome of a CHICKEN TALKING TO A DUCK.

And you know what??

This driving instructor has no cockles.

HE STEPS THE FREAKING BREAK BEFORE I EVEN TOUCH IT!!!

What's the point of telling me to break when you are stepping on the break???

How am I to learn how to feel the break??

Hey, when I learnt how to drive from the other two instructors, my breaking and driving was perfectly well done all right??

Dude, I'm not that bad you know. Just because I'm a bit fast it does not mean that I'm bad at driving!!!

The only thing that I'm kinda bad at for the time being is estimating how much more gap I have when I reverse. Because there are 2 freaking sunshade stucked at the backscreen. So I have to pop my head out like a freaking DUCK!!!

The slope drive was not that bad. Just a bit bad at stopping the car on the yellow box. [Hey, cut me some slack ok? It's my first lesson for parking, 3-point-turn and slope.]

I so agree with Eilene. I really hate turning the steering. It's so heavy!!! It is as if I'm in some tug-o-war. Not to mention the car tyre was ALMOST FLAT, which makes manouevering the steering even harder!!!

And so, he took me to the JPA route which is rich with lots of uneven surfaces which makes you feel like you're in a boat ride and not to forget, LOTS OF POT HOLES!!!!!

And it was raining heavily.

He asked me to drive in Gear 2. WTH?? Dya know how the 2nd gear CRAWLS??? Not to brag or anything. I'm serious!!! You only get to go about 20 kmph max. All the cars were overtaking me. And he told me, "No, nevermind, continue driving" [translated from Hokkien]

I couldn't take it. I changed to the 3rd gear. And drove at 35 kmph. It's not that fast, right?? Oh gosh.

And I drove all the way home just to find that my mom was out.

I decided to drive to my aunt's house.

You see, in my housing lane, the road is blocked with a bridge where only passengers, bikers and motorcyclists can cross. So the car has got to reverse.

Instead of reversing straight, I turned the steering to the right a little.

It's a trick I learnt from my dad and we have all been reversing that way for years so that it is easier to go out.

He freaked out and screamed at me. "Why did you turn your steering?? You are supposed to reverse straight!!!"

I lost my composure a little.

"Don't worry. I know how to drive over here!!!" Dude, this is my domain. Don't try to teach the duck how to swim. [I have been illegally driving my parents' cars so, yeah, I know how to reverse the car pretty well.]

And I drove all the way to my aunt's house.

And let's end here.

Don't worry, my driving will not end up like Kuhan's driving.

p/s: With the knowledge that lecturers do read our blogs, I feel kinda EXPOSED here. And I'm feeling rather insecure and vulnerable.

Ciplak Punye A

I am currently depressed.

My straight A's?? It's ciplak.

I'm sorry. I know I should be thankful instead of rambling about this.

An A is still an A.

Yes, I'm happy with my results. At least I get to shut my parents up for a bit.

Let them know that although I chill out a lot, I can still do well.

And they need to loosen up a bit and let me have a little more social life.

But still, to know that the A is a weak one and I have to work extremely hard this semester, just puts me off.

I got a B for Paper 1 Econs.

I got a C for Paper 3 Literature.

What. The. Hell.

And my mom does not want to let me retake that paper.

How larr now?? I have to study like orang gila.

I need to conspire with my sis soon to make my mom let me resit. And fast.

The knowledge that I have to work hard to cover up for the Econs' B is also quite a put-off factor.

I know it's my fault that I got a C for Paper 3. Half of my essay for Mansfield were in point forms. And, they were kinda surfacey analysis.

I panicked because I didn't know how to organise my scattered thoughts.

My life sucks.

I seriously need to find a remedy to cut down my long-windedness fast.

Of Law, Eyes and Hair

You have no idea how depressed I am.

It's so depressing that there's so much to write, but so little time.

And for my damned character of not being able to let go of an essay and wanting to complete it fully instead.

I ended up with 6 pages for the first essay.

Hence, I have lost the battle to time.

The second essay was like a whirlwind rush with the most obvious facts but substantiated in my style.

The third essay; I was only left with 15 minutes.

And I only managed to write 3 frigging pages.

With only 3 points. And it's not very substantiated.

Why is the Cambridge International Examination Board such a sore in the ass? It's painful, it leaves a mark and it lasts for a period of time.

It was almost the same with Literature. I didn't manage to finish on time for both papers. I ended up with writing point-form essay towards the end. It was worse for Bliss since I was only half way through the passage when time was up.

So much to write, yet time, like an arrant whore, races past me; leaving me to chase after it, gasping for space to breathe; panting for air all the while.

This is exasperatingly frustrating.

I feel like I'm left in the dark. Left in the dark to mellow in my own depression and devastation. Left alone in the dark where no one can hear me scream.

I feel like screaming my lungs out. I feel like pulling my hair out [Not that I have a lot on my scalp], I feel like crying until my eyes pop out. But it's only a feeling. Like a typical descendant of the female species, these emotions are all suppressed inside; leaving it to slowly feed on my soul and wring me dry.

Let's side-track a little.

This new blog is not meant for anymore whinings. It's supposed to be generative and positive.

You know what?

Even if I cry until my eyes are terribly swollen, it'll still look BETTER than Paris Hilton's eyes. Because my eyes size don't vary that much, only slightly and those puffs can be concealed by a concealer and foundation.

I think Paris Hilton should SERIOUSLY get an eye-job done. She looks hideous with the vast difference of size of her eyes.

The right-side of her face looks almost beautiful with her very nice and professionally done make-up. Just not the left-side of her face. She looks as if she got punched in that eye and she cannot open it properly now.

Hmm... love her hair though.

You know what kind of hair I like now?

Super high, fluffy and thick hair on the top and beautiful wavy locks. Love Fergie's hair when she is singing in a "concert" in her video clip Clumsy.

Probably I should go and get hair-extensions or go for a hair transplant. Haha. My mom said that hair-extensions make your head stink. Is it really true? Well, hair transplant? I don't wanna end up like Celine Dion's husband who's having some kind of scalp cancer now.

I shouldn't do anything at all.

Sigh.

Amy Winehouse's hair is almost cool but just not too high. Sometimes, it looks like a beehive on top of her head. Love her lashes though.

Nope. I'm not going to pull my hair or cry until my eyes pop out.

I'm gonna go snooze now.

Seriously need some sleep.

Wish me a good nap!!