Useless Lump of Mobile Clay??

I feel so worthless and useless sometimes.

While others are really hardworking and memorising and slaving away with their books, I am taking my own sweet time to read stuff, chill out, watch telly, sleep, bum around and later do last minute cramming.

I am wasting my brains, talents and capabilities. Wasting my time. Wasting all of my effort in the entire 1 1/2 years of college in getting a good foundation of my studies. Wasting my parents' money. Wasting the lecturers' time. Wasting the examiner's time marking. Wasting a spot in Taylors.

So what if I can absorb and understand things really fast?? And be really argumentative and analytical??

I did not study as hard as I should have for the Finals. I did everything last minute.

12 hours of study for Contract
4 hours for Literature Paper 3
14 hours for Tort
8 hours for Economics

Question: Can I make it through this Final Examination??

I know I have so much more capacity to excel. If only I have pumped in more effort and discipline. Had I done it, I would have soared.

Although I answered everything that I wanted, everything that was relevant, and everything that was sufficient for an A; yet it was still not my best although I covered all relevant problem areas.

I know I had the capacity to be able to memorise the entire two Law textbooks if I could have made myself sit and study. And I would be able to pour everything out in the exam hall in a jiffy along with concrete arguments.

I did produce good arguments [according to me]; yet there is this nagging feeling that it was not good enough. It was not perfect enough.

I knew that I would have been able to nail Economics straightaway if I had studied throughout the weekend rather than go shopping. I would not have to rush for the last essay.

The funny thing is. There is this certain calmness, peace and non-weary feeling in me. It is a good thing, but it unnerves me at times.

Am I so numb towards studying and life or is it because I actually did do well for my Finals??

I know that all of my answers are relevant and quite thorough.

But is this enough??

Will I get straight A's and get an offer from NUS??

I cannot predict the future. But I can only place my hope, faith and trust in God that everything will unfold by itself graciously and turn into a blessing.

I hardly studied for UPSR, PMR and SPM. And yet, I excelled.

Dear God, let me excel just this once more. You are my last hope. And I can only place my trust in You.

What happened to the old me who used to be really driven to study?? Who could sit for 3 whole weeks before the examination just to study?? I was a total bitch at that time.

Has becoming a better person in nature dampened my drive to study??

Have I settled down to such complacent comfort that I have come down to this?

I need answers. Am I being a total over-driving perfectionist who is too hard on herself??