I am feeling rather morbid these days.
[I'm sorry, I know that I am not supposed to type any more emo posts in this blog after the other blog was forced to shut down but I just can't help it. Please do not feel offended because there are elements of spirituality here. If you do not want to read it, it's ok.]
I just don't have any drive to study or to do anything but rot with my music and my thoughts.
Call me complacent. But I really do not have any drive to study at all.
My mom's nagging. My dad's putting pressure by asking how I am progressing. My sis chases me away everytime I wanna talk to her.
Somehow, I feel isolated. As if the people that I know only talk to my brains rather than me. [No offense. I am not referring to anyone in particular. And please, don't feel paranoid that you are that person. This is just a random feeling. - and NO, I am not PMS-ing]
I am having this paranoid feeling that when A Levels ends, that's it. I will be alone in this world again apart from my family and my childhood/school friends.
Sometimes, I feel like reaching out to friends who are in need. But the gates are usually shut tight and I just do not know how to open it.
I am being reminded every single sodding day that there is some kind of disaster out there in the world; as if indicating that the world is coming to an end.
In my dream, I saw a smaller mini-me version of me. But that version was small, vicious with a face as pale as snow; cocking me a crooked grin with a slanted head-position. It was truly ugly. It looks like it is demonised.
My mom tells me that I need to get my spiritual life right. The truth is, my spiritual life is rather cold these days. I am no longer that little girl who was so on-fire anymore. Somehow, I don't quite feel God in my life as much as I do when I was younger. Yes, I am aware that without Him, I might probably be dead when the speeding bus once missed me by a foot after I leaped and when the snatch-thief was in action at the lonely alley.
I used to feel Him all around me and see how He make my life a miracle. Everyday was a miracle. I was driven, I was good in what I did. I was on top of the food chain.
I feel all alone now. I strife to get connected to Him once again. But somehow, the more I try, the more I realise how much I have neglected Him. And unfortunately, I do not have time to atone for that now with A Levels breathing down my neck every second of the day. The only time when I feel connected is when I start singing. It felt really great. But I can't do it all day. I have to study.
Dear God, from the bottom of my heart, I know that I am very far away. It feels like the fear of having a wall in between which blocks me from You has become a reality. And just like in the game The Sims 2, that's when my aspiration goes tolling to a red negative number. But I pray that You will be the ever-patient waiting Dad to wait for me to get back. Do not forsake me and pass me by when I am already in this pit of depression. The truth is, I just do not know how to get back. I am far too materialistic and complacent to give up things now. Wait for me while I sort this out?
I am always tired these days. The prom table is quite a hassle. One minute, we have an over flow, solved with an extra table, then we didn't have enough people and the nagging fear of having to pay for the vacant four seats, and now, the table is overflowing with four extra people again. It was forcibly sorted out.
The only great thing which happened to me lately is David Cook and Leona Lewis. Cook's songs and singing really gives hope to me that the music world is not only made up of disastrous songs and wannabe singers. Leona Lewis [I didn't know that she is the winner of X-Factor]; apart from her song Bleeding Love which makes my ears bleed, I love her song Footprints in the Sand. I love her songs. Soulful with awesome vocals. But I can't stand a few of her R&B songs.
I was really paranoid that Cook won't win due to Cowell's comments. I thought he was rather good. But in the end, thank goodness America came to their senses and voted the better performer, Cook rather than the almost-lullaby Archuletta. Archie has an awesome voice, I admit it, but he just does not have that little extra to make his singing appealing and entertaining. His cover for "Imagine" by John Lennon was good; but not as good as Cook's covers for Lionel Richie's "Hello", Roberta Flack's "First Time Ever I Saw Your Face", The Beatles' "Eleanor Rigby". Aerosmith's "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" wasn't bad. Leona Lewis' cover for Roberta Flack's is awesome as well.
My mom has finally consented to let me go for prom and do the Reading Law program with the option of NUS if I still absolutely wanna go. That, has in a way made me slightly more complacent; but do I really wanna do Law for the rest of my life??
I love what I do in Law. I love the analysing, the arguing, and the ecstatic feeling when I have given a good argument.
But at the back of my head nagging is a Degree in Music. My mom and sis has been trying all this while to encourage me to do Music but I declined it. I love Music; but the question is do I really have what it takes to be a good musician?? I definitely do not want to be a pathetic "just another piano teacher" unfortunately. I want something better. Probably be a song composer in the US [my mom will kill me because she'll miss me like crazy] or be an orchestra player. Or probably be involved in mainstream music industry.
But I have one problem. I can express music in my head and in singing but I can't express it outwardly in playing.
And I only got my pitching back lately. Not nearly as perfect as before but better.
I'm just really paranoid now. I should stop thinking.
There's this gathering in my house now anyway. Need to be the gracious host's daughter.
~Ta
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